Nephew

Got woken up on Wednesday by some workers on the ship yard nearby. God knows what they were doing. Ended up having to go back to bed till about 2pm. However, I’d organised to go to my sister’s at 3:30pm so had to get out quick. Decided to drive to the tube station and risk parking on the petrol station forecourt. There are no signs or anything which say you can’t and I’ve seen the petrol station workers parking there and even a coach the other day, so I thought I might as well risk it. Turns out it was okay.

So, went to see nephew while my sister and husband fix up their new house. I just kind of sat and played with him for a while on the floor. I always feel sad when I’m with him. Most people feel happy when they see little babies. But I don’t just see a baby, I see time passing quickly. I see myself looking back at this moment in the future when I’m old and he’s grown up and remembering “remember when he was a baby? Why does time pass so fast?” God. Also I look at him and feel kind of sad because he’s so innocent and soon that’ll all change. He’ll probably grow up to have problems and difficulties. He might become arrogant or a smartass or he might end up like me suffering from depression and anxiety and screwing his life up. At one point I became a little teary-eyed.

After staying with him for an hour or so these thoughts seemed to go a little. I just started to enjoy his company a little more. I’m not exactly sure what to do with babies. They don’t play exactly, they just sit there and pick the toys up and then throw them down. Also, I just want to cuddle him, but he doesn’t like that so much. He wants to sit and bash things. At one point I sat him up and he fell down and started crying. Poor bugger.

Stayed a bit longer at sister’s. Haven’t been round for ages. Wasn’t really in the mood for them to be honest and I thought they would get that vibe from me and think I was a miserable bugger who brought a rain cloud into their house every time I came over. But actually I was proven wrong again. We had a bit of a joke at the table and my mood was lightened and it ended up being a pleasant little visit.

Spoke to the bass player on the phone briefly about the soul band from the previous night too. He’s a friendly guy. It’s interesting how I can just seem to get along pretty easily with some people, but with others there is a kind of awkwardness. The phone is always the best test. If you can get along on the phone then that’s a sure sign you click well. But how much is it all in my mind? Do I sabotage interactions with others by assuming I cannot get along with them thereby creating awkwardness myself? Maybe the only reason I seem to get along with this guy is because he kind of reminds me of some old friends thereby making me more relaxed and less guarded which in turn has the effect of making the whole interaction smoother.