Decided to get out of the house today so decided to go down to the shops at Freeport to see what bargains I could pick up. As soon as I left the front door I realised I hadn’t got a key to get back in so called mum up at work and she told me I’d have to go to town to dad’s shop to get a key off him.
I headed into Blackpool and parked up. Wow, amazing to actually be in the centre of town and be able to drive with no bus lanes to avoid, no weird road signs all over the place, no one way systems and every other kind of obstacle and inconvenience conceivable in my way. And to think I used to think Blackpool town centre was mayhem when I was learning to drive.
Wandered through the centre quickly. Felt self-conscious but not as bad as I used to. I still felt like an outsider at this point, had my London mentality on. Went to dad’s shop and got the key after an awkward little exchange with father involving him asking me pointless questions in an attempt to look like we were having a conversation like “normal people” in front of his work colleagues. No, dad, I don’t need a new key cutting. I have a key at home, I just left it there. Yes yes, I’m very pleased there is a key cutter nextdoor, that’s great.
Anyway stuck around the shop for a while trying on a few designer frames. I need a new trendier thick frame I think. I saw a guy at a job interview with a pair like this a few weeks ago and he looked cool. I’d always thought they looked a bit poncy and ugly until then, but he looked good in them.
Felt incredibly self-conscious in the shop especially with the presence of these young teenagers. Stuck around anyway and tried on a few pairs and tried to talk myself into feeling less self-conscious – “I can’t live my life in fear of other’s opinions like this… this is stupid… if I stick around the anxiety will subside shortly… ” etc.
Headed back to my car after about 30 minutes. Had to walk through town past some hoodies. Wow there’s a lot round here, I thought. I only left 3 months ago but I don’t remember the whole hoodie thing haven’t been that big then – they were still doing the whole caps and shaven head thing. Felt my anxiety overloading – hyperventilation as I walked. Quickly got in my car and drove to Fleetwood.
After going past my old prison (old flat) and fuelling up in the service station next door that I used to go to when I’d get munchies in the night I arrived at Freeport. I Felt self-conscious wandering around there for some reason, I aways do – “people must be looking at me… I stand out… I look too poncy for this area…” These were the kind of thoughts going through my mind.
Anyway, it was refreshing to meet some reasonably friendly shop assistants after being in London for 3 months. I decided to buy a couple of thin jumper top thingys. All the tops I’ve been wearing in London of late have been dress shirts and more dress shirts, I have nothing else, so these tops seemed to be a good buy. It’s important to look good at the moment and have more variety for the girl I’m dating at the moment more than anything.
On the way out I felt less self-conscious and decided to window shop in a few of the other shops. For some reason I always feel less self-conscious coming out of the place, I don’t know whether it’s because I just spent some time in there and have adapted or because I am aware that I am about to leave. Anyhow, found a shoe shop with a pair of black suede boot type things that were neither too smart nor too casual. God damn it, I searched all over London for a pair of shoes that combined the best of both worlds but couldn’t find them and here up on god forsaken Fleetwood I find a pair. Oh well, I couldn’t part with another £45 so decided I might come back tomorrow again after sleeping on it. A friendly women in the shop spoke to me. Wow, I thought, I must look normal.
Headed down to my old prison again. It looked the same as before. Strange place. Then went to the beach to have a look at a ship that’s supposed to have been stuck there for the past few months.
Driving was a pain today. I think since living in London I have lost the joy of driving. Anyway parked up and hit someone’s bumper slightly. Oh well. I’d be driving off in a minute and there was no noticeable damage.
Took a look at the beach. Wow, wonderful to feel that breath in that fresh air after London, even if it was shitty turd-infested Cleveleys waters. The ship looked strange out there in the distance. I took a couple of pics on my cam that turned out nice.
I felt self-conscious on the beach. I would have liked to have walked up and down there a bit more but the self-consciousness married with the cold wind meant that I got back in my car after 10 minutes or so. At this point I had slipped back into Cleveleys mentality. I was no longer a Londoner visiting Cleveleys, I felt very much like I lived here again. It’s amazing how quickly this happened.
I drove down the sea front and noticed they had rebuilt the entire shoreline and it looked really posh! Amazing. I wanted to take a look and a wander down but couldn’t find anywhere else to park. Oh well, I’ll come back tomorrow I thought.
Headed home. Became struck by feeling disconnected from everything. I feel disconnected in London and disconnected here, I thought. And I like to be in the cocoon of my car. Strange. Maybe it’s because I am so full of fear when I am out there in the streets. Maybe I prefer being in my car because the windscreen separates me from the outside world. It’s like looking into an aquarium or something. And I can always speed off if any trouble starts. Yes, that’s it! I’m sure of it!
Did some exercise that night. Wow, I’m incredibly weak now. I can’t even do 90lb lat pulls. I could always do those. And I can’t even bend down to dead lift. My legs scream in pain when I try and stay bended… Depressing.
Did some more practice. Trumpet sounds better when I blow flat I discovered. Still can’t get that whole focused sound thing going though.
